There’s a scene in the new documentary “Bully” where a bullied kid eats alone in the cafeteria. Technically, he’s not alone — there are other kids on either side — but they ignore him so he may as well be. It broke my heart. I wanted to reach through the screen and hug him.

The scene struck a nerve, because as my family can attest, I’ve ALWAYS hated seeing people eat alone.  When I was young we’d be out at a restaurant, I’d spot a person dining solo, and it would bother me for the rest of the meal.  I was so weird about it that it occasionally became this cruel joke where my family would point someone out and say, “Hey Doug, that person’s eating alone,” just to twist the knife a little more.

Emotionally, I still feel those same pangs of sympathy, even though intellectually I understand that for adults, eating alone is not a sign of loneliness or despair. People do it all the time, by circumstance or by choice. They could be traveling, or exploring a new restaurant, or thrilled to have a night away from their screaming kids, or maybe they’ve just had a long day at work and need to unwind without constant gabbing.

(Unless it’s Valentine’s Day. If I ever see someone a person dining alone at a restaurant on February 14th, I may just curl up in the fetal position and weep. Which is strange because I don’t give two shits about Valentine’s Day.)

I can’t say that I’ve ever had dinner out by myself (aside from traveling), but I’ve certainly done breakfast and lunch. Eating alone can be great — sometimes you’ve got an absorbing book that you want to plow through, or you simply want the serenity of solitude. I recently popped in for lunch somewhere and spent the meal leisurely reviewing flashcards for Chinese class. That was both relaxing and productive.

So no, a person eating alone doesn’t warrant a pity party. And yet, I know the next time I’m out at dinner and I see that man or woman sans companion, I’ll be glancing over for the rest of the night. I only hope the person has a book or magazine.

What are your thoughts on eating alone? Do you enjoy it or do you always seek out a dining partner? And are you a sap like me who wants to go around the restaurant giving hugs?

Or maybe I was just taken aback by the price. These babies are pricey! (A “bunch” is not robust.)

Then again, I believe the window for these wild leeks is exceedingly small. Isn’t ramps season over by the summer? No wonder chefs treasure them and tremble at the mere mention of their name.

I’d like to understand more about ramps though — can they not be farmed like other vegetables?  Are they found only in the wild like truffles? Why is their season so short?

An interesting mystery, these ramps. Maybe I’ll buy a bunch this Sunday to see what the fuss is all about.

During the credits of Jiro Dreams of Sushi, I let out a small sigh of contentment, like I’d just eaten the greatest meal of my life. Except, I hadn’t actually eaten it, I’d only watched it being prepared on a movie screen.

Jiro Dreams of Sushi had me mesmerized from the opening frame to the last credit.  The new documentary (currently playing at E Street Cinema) is a must-see for anyone with a passion for food, or a passion for anything, really. It profiles Jiro Ono, considered by many to be the world’s greatest sushi chef. His tiny 10-seat Tokyo restaurant has earned a three-star Michelin rating, and even seasoned food critics speak reverently of the place.

I remember seeing Jiro’s restaurant featured on Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations a few years ago. Bourdain was unsurprisingly awed by the food, but we learned little about the impassive Jiro himself, mainly due to time constraints and the language barrier. Here, the filmmakers reveal what makes him tick. And he’s a pretty fascinating guy. He’s got stories, he has some sly personality, and at times, he’s quite funny.

You also haven’t seen sushi prepared until you’ve seen this movie. Jiro has devoted his entire life to his craft. Literally, his entire life; he was on his own and got his first job at the age of nine. Nine!  Now 85, he lives, breathes and sleeps sushi. The movies captures his never-ending quest for perfection (some may call it obsession), a drive that he’s instilled in his two sons, both of whom are following in their father’s footsteps.

I could watch Jiro and his kitchen staff all day on a continuous loop.  The dedication, precision, nuance, and attention to detail must be seen to be believed. You could probably count on one hand the number of people with that sort of singular focus. It’s like watching the last of a dying breed. Jiro doesn’t seem to care about money or fame. He just wants to make the perfect sushi. One gets the sense that if he ever retired or were unable to work, he’d quickly slip away. Without your single passion in life, what else would there be to live for?

There’s a section of the movie where a food critic compares Jiro’s tasting menu to a concerto. That leads to a sublime scene of stirring classical music, beautiful cinematography and shot after shot of gorgeous sushi. It was thoroughly moving. My eyes actually welled up. Yeah, that’s right. I got teary at a movie about sushi.

What can I say, I dug the movie. It’s inspiring watching a true artist at work. It’s inspiring hearing someone talk about the sacrifice and dedication it requires to achieve greatness. It’s inspiring seeing people who take such immense pride in their craft.

And damn, the food… We all walked out of the theater with one thought on our minds: Where can we get some sushi??

Yesterday, at the gym, I had the TV turned to No Reservations. Anthony Bourdain was somewhere in Louisiana sampling local Cajun cuisine. In preparation for a community hog roast, a pig was shot and killed; then on camera, the still-quivering pig was shown bleeding out, and a group of people began prepping it by scraping the hair off of the skin.

At that moment a guy on the rowing machine turned to me in disgust and said, “That’s gross. I can’t believe they’re showing that.”

I laughed, but his comment stuck with me for the rest of the night. Isn’t it strange that we hardly bat an eye at zombies getting shot through the head on The Walking Dead, or a man getting his throat cut on Breaking Bad, yet a pig being prepped for a meal makes us recoil in horror? Are we so far removed from the food cycle that watching it is more terrifying than a viewing of Saw?

We’re not six degrees of separation from what we eat — we’re fifty degrees of separation.

If the guy at the gym thought No Reservations was bad, he should read the book Eating Animals. He’ll have nightmares. Author Jonathan Safran Foer goes where other books and movies have gone before — opening the curtain on the industrialized meat industry — and blows those curtains wide open with his unsparing, forceful and passionate writing.

That chicken on your dinner plate? That piece of bacon with your eggs? Those eggs themselves? Chances are the animal that became your food suffered immensely, contributed to an ever-growing environmental disaster, and was diseased, sick, covered in feces, or otherwise unfit for consumption.

Foer is a vegetarian whose essential stance is that we shouldn’t eat meat at all. I’m an omnivore. I eat meat, and have no ethical opposition to eating meat. I just don’t want to eat THIS kind of meat.

Foer spares no details as he shines a light on the unimaginable animal abuse and cruelty taking place on factory farms. Chickens toppling over on broken legs because they’re unable to support their own weight, pigs slammed to the ground and having rods stuck up their anuses for worker amusement, animals having their eyes popped out, cows skinned alive because the bolt fired into their heads failed to render them unconscious. The horrors go on and on.

I felt the same reaction in my gut as when I read about Japanese atrocities against the Chinese in the book The Rape of Nanking: How can humans do this to another living creature??

If animal abuse fails to sway you, then let’s get selfish and consider what factory farming does to us. It seems everyone has food allergies these days. Asthma rates are on the rise. Guess what role genetically modified food played in that? We consume animals pumped with hormones and antibiotics and who knows what else. They become part of our bodies. It’s no wonder our bodies react by going haywire. We all want our cheap meat now, but lord do we pay for it later.

A chapter is devoted to the environmental disaster of factory farms — an unending amount of animal waste that flows into our waterways and contaminates everything in its path, even dispersing into the air as a mist, making residents in nearby communities you guessed it… sick.

Factory farms turn the natural symbiosis of a working farm (animals create manure, manure fertilizes crops) on its head. It’s just tons and tons of shit with nowhere to go. You want to breathe in a mist of shit? Me neither.

And guess what all that shit also does — it creates disease. Foer ominously forewarns how dangerously close we are to another avian/swine flu pandemic.  Jam thousands of animals together (many of which are sick), feed them ground bits of other animals, confine them in their own excrement, and you’re gonna have a problem. When the next deadly flu virus rears its ugly head, there’s a good chance it’ll come from a factory farmed animal. Lovely.

So what’s the solution? I have no idea. You can ask people to stop eating meat altogether (not likely), ask them to eat less (maybe), or ask them to only buy from local farmers’ markets (way out of reach economically for the average person). Or you can encourage the public to rise up and demand real change from the meat industry (difficult, but I suppose possible?).

And uh, you may want to avoid those Smithfield hams.

I’ve gone the eating-less-meat and buying-local route. For the past few years I’ve cooked the Michael Pollan way — “Eat mostly plants” — cooking with small portions of meat, or none at all. I no longer buy meat from regular supermarkets and try to mostly purchase it from farmers’ markets, where at least I have a little more understanding of where it comes from.

Of course, this doesn’t make me at all morally superior. In fact, I’m more of a hypocrite than ever. When I dine out I still freely eat meat (without questioning where the meat came from), I’m attached at the hip to my iPhone and Macbook (assembled by exploited Chinese factory workers), I like clothes (likely made in an overseas sweatshop), I print documents at work (bye bye trees), I wear leather and use hair products (likely tested on animals), and if I get sick, I take medicine (also tested on animals).

Does my “eating mostly vegetables at home” lifestyle make any difference in the world, or does it simply serve to make me feel good? Sadly, I think it’s the latter.  As my friend Danielle at work said, “It’s so hard to not exploit something or someone.”

Maybe simply being informed is a positive first step. I strongly encourage everyone to read Eating Animals. It should be essential reading in schools and book clubs. I don’t care what your stance is on all this going in. Just read it. Read it with an open mind.

Because if you think watching a pig get killed on No Reservations is gross, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Being trapped in the Metro gave me ample to think (despite what each passing conductor claimed, another train was NOT “directly” behind us), and I began mentally jotting down all the fun and romantic things this woman could do with her boyfriend besides going to dinner. Dinner is a Valentine’s Day given. Everyone does dinner. This woman sounded like she needed to jazz things up a bit.

After having lived here for almost a year, I’ve come up with a few ideas. Here they are, in no particular order: 15 Valentine’s Day (or around Valentine’s Day) ideas combining an activity and food.

1. The National Zoo

One of our great local attractions, and it’s free! Take the Metro to Cleveland Park, stop in at Vace, and order a few slices of pizza to go. You can’t go wrong with the white onion or the mushroom. Ask for the slices to be heated — they’ll be presented to you wrapped in tin foil. Stroll down Connecticut Ave. with your pizza and enter the zoo on the left. The zoo’s hilly — you’ll be glad to walk a bit to work off the food.

2. Georgetown’s C&O Canal

M Street in Georgetown is a pedestrian logjam, but surprisingly, that doesn’t extend down to the paths along the C&O Canal, where it’s pleasantly serene. And pretty. Walking along the canal is one of the more unique experiences in the city. Load up on coffee, desserts and chocolate at Baked & Wired or J. Chocolatier. Then take them down to the canal and while away the afternoon.

3. Eastern Market

DC’s oldest public market cannot be beat on a lazy weekend morning. Whether you’re into crafts, art, antiques or food, there’s something for everyone here. Dining options abound inside the market, at an outdoor food stand, or at nearby restaurants.  The produce vendors put out free samples like apple slices, so you can graze and shop to your heart’s content. I’ve noticed the longest line is at the crepe stand; he must be doing something right.

4. Rock Creek Park

This may be more of a warm weather idea, but no reason why you can’t hike and eat during the winter too. Pack a picnic lunch of items from nearby Palena Market in Cleveland Park and get yourself out into nature. You won’t even believe you’re still in the city.

5. Tabard Inn

My friend had dinner there recently and texted me about the fabulousness of the crab cake he was enjoying. (With a vegetable called salsify which I’ve never heard of.) What I love about the place though is the lounge, where dark wood, a fireplace and old-timey furniture come together, creating an intimate space where you feel as though you’d fit in holding a pipe and donning a Hugh Hefner smoking jacket. Have a drink here and kick back in relaxed sophistication.

6. Hillwood Estate

Flying under the radar, the Hillwood Estate is one of the best under-recognized sights in the city. This former estate of the Post cereal heiress includes a mansion filled with spectacular Russian and French art, plus beautiful grounds and gardens. There’s also a nice cafe there. Haven’t eaten there yet, but I’ve checked out the menu and it looks like a cozy spot for lunch or tea.

7. Woodrow Wilson House

Another DC attraction flying under the radar. It was the home of, you guessed it, Woodrow Wilson and his wife after they left the White House. If historic homes are your thing, you’ll really enjoy this place. Many interesting rooms to see here and extremely knowledgeable tour guides. Take the Metro to Dupont Circle, stop in at Dolcezza for a hot chocolate or gelato, then walk along Massachusetts Ave. along Embassy Row until you reach the house. Gelato and history, what could be better?

8. The Gardens at Dumbarton Oaks

My favorite spot in all of Washington, DC. Seriously, this place blows me away.  The gardens resemble something out of a fairytale, and the endless terraces, little nooks and brick pathways make it absolutely ideal for a romantic stroll. The gardens will look even more beautiful during the spring and summer… but, there’s a fee to get in. From now until March 14th, the gardens are free of charge. Take advantage of it! An idea for for the afternoon: have brunch at Open City in Woodley Park, then walk down Shoreham Drive and bear right on the bike path. Jump onto the Normanstone Trail and it’ll wind you over to Dumbarton Oaks. About a half hour walk.

9. U.S. Botanic Garden

Another of my favorite DC spots. Plopped down steps from the Capitol Building, this giant greenhouse is an oasis of green and color in the middle of the city. I dare you to enter the Botanic Garden and not walk out with blood pressure lowered, in a relaxed state of mind. It’s beautiful in there. How about lunch first at the cafe of the National Museum of the American Indian first? The best cafeteria of any DC museum.

10. Old Post Office Tower

The best or second best view in all of Washington, DC. It’s a close call with the National Cathedral. You can take an elevator to the top, and then it’s a 360 degree panoramic view of the city, the Washington Monument and Virginia. A very romantic spot to linger with your significant other. The Old Post Office building does have a food court. Haven’t tried it so I can’t comment, but it’s a food court, so I’m guessing it’s what you’d expect. A better option — stop by at PAUL on Pennsylvania Ave. and pick up a few buttery pastries to go, or dine in for a gooey ham croque-monsieur.

11. National Cathedral

The other stunning view in DC. The cathedral has re-opened after the earthquake, and I’m assuming you can still access the observation deck. Even if you can’t get up there, the cathedral itself is a jaw-dropping example of beautiful architecture and iconography. Explore on your own or join a tour. Stroll the manicured grounds, especially the herb garden, and keep the location in mind for a picnic during the spring or summer. For nearby food, cross Wisconsin Ave. to 2 Amys for pizza, or visit Cafe Deluxe, which I’ve heard does an excellent brunch.

12. E Street Cinema

My favorite movie theater in the area. Easy to get to, with top notch selection of art house and foreign films, in just a very pleasant theater environment. My friend Melissa and I sampled the chocolate-covered pretzel sticks last weekend, and let’s just say those were polished off quickly, like before the previews were over. Yum. I also saw they were selling something called a “crab pretzel.” Anyone tried that? For a date night, I recommend first going to Co Co. Sala on F St. for their addictive chocolate drinks and chocolates, before swinging down to the theater for a flick. That’s a good evening, right there.

13. Old Town, Alexandria

The Georgetown of Alexandria? I don’t know, that statement probably offends Old Town residents. Nevertheless, there are some similarities. The quaint, bricked sidewalks, plus shops, cafes and restaurants. There are numerous places to stop in for a bite, so take your pick. Grab desserts at La Madeleine cafe and window shop up and down King St. Or peruse the Torpedo Factory and then sit outside near the water.

14. Dupont Circle farmers’ market

My Sunday morning activity of choice. Gets a little crowded, but not annoyingly so. There’s great stuff here, and you’re bound to discover something you’ve never tried before, like sunchokes or mizuna. Very upbeat and relaxed atmosphere, conducive to strolling. Be sure to swing by the Bonaparte Breads stand for a baguette or one of their killer croissants.

15. Cooking classes

What better activity to enjoy with your significant other than a cooking class? You’re guaranteed to have fun, you’ll learn useful skills and you get to eat the fruits of your labor. Just don’t criticize your partner if his/her sushi rolling technique isn’t up to par. That’s not cool. CulinAerie in DC offers all types of couples cooking classes. So does L’Academie de Cuisine in Bethesda. Roll up your sleeves and spend a night cooking!

Paula Deen announced today that she has type 2 diabetes. The news was about as surprising as Meryl Streep winning her gajillionth acting award. Some things you can just see coming.

I’m not here to pile on anyone’s health misfortune, but after what I saw today, the misfortune looks more like opportunity.

This morning, Deen appeared on the “Today” Show with Al Roker, where she came off looking in parts disingenuous, scripted, ill-informed and evasive. Mostly, she came off looking like a two-faced opportunist.

I’ve long called bullshit on Deen’s southern “charm,” but now I view her as something sinister. You see, it turns out Deen was diagnosed with diabetes three years ago, but only chose to make the information public now — after she’s become a paid spokesperson for the pharmaceutical company Novo Nordisk and their diabetes drug, Victoza. Deen’s new online program is called, “Diabetes in a New Light: You CAN Have Your Cake and Eat it Too, Just as Long as You Take This Drug.” (I added the second part.)

Deen claims she waited three years to disclose her condition until she could “bring something to the table.” And I believe what’s on that table is a pile of cash from Novo Nordisk.

I find the whole thing rather despicable. Deen builds an empire promoting the most god awful, health-shattering recipes known to man, and now she’s raking it in plugging a diabetes drug. That’s like me being an arsonist and getting paid to promote First Alert fire extinguishers.

Roker asked the right questions, but I suspect had he not shared Food Network ties with Deen, he would have hit harder. He did inquire twice if she’s changed her eating habits, to which she hemmed and hawed and answered with a straight face, “Youu know, aaa’ve aaalways encouuuraged moderation.”

(I have friends who are fans of Paula Deen, and even they view her as sort of a joke. They laugh at her excess, and have never once mentioned her philosophy of “moderation.” Unless by moderation, she means using two sticks of butter rather than four.)

Look, is it Paula Deen’s job to solve America’s obesity-related health crisis and make Americans less fat? Absolutely not. Personal responsibility is just that, personal. We all need to be held accountable for what we put into our bodies. But Deen does have a responsibility to level with the fans who watch her shows, buy her books and make her fabulously wealthy. Did she keep her condition quiet to protect her brand? I’m guessing yes. Do unhealthy recipes like hers play a major role in obesity-related illnesses? I’d say yes again. Is she only coming forward now because of her partnership with Novo Nordisk? Let’s make it three. Yes.

The hypocrisy is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Judging by Deen’s calorie-dense recipes, better make that a sharp knife.

Thought I’d start off the first post of 2012 with a few food thoughts rattling around in my head. (Disclaimer: several restaurants I mention have no accompanying photos. You see, the camera often stays in my pocket depending on the company or the situation. Sometimes you just need to stay focused on the person/people you’re with.)

*  Of the Chinese restaurants I’ve sampled in the DC metro area since moving here, my top three are in this order: 1) Sichuan Pavilion, 2) Mama Wok, 3) Chalin’s. Sichuan Pavilion took me by surprise, in a positive way — who knew there was such good Chinese food at Farragut North? At a recent meal I had tea-smoked duck, shredded pork with dry, pressed tofu, fish fillet in spicy sauce and a platter of Chinese greens called yo mai cai that was so delicious, I’ve been thinking about it ever since. Impossible for me to replicate at home though. The deep, slightly charred flavor came from a very, very hot wok.

* Speaking of Chinese restaurants, there’s a spot near where I live that does decent takeout… however, the place smells really bad. I don’t know what’s going on in there. That can’t be a good sign, right? Never mind, I just answered my own question — I can’t go back again until that smell goes away.

* This Apache Sweat Lodge burger at Burger Tap & Shake was the result of a late-ish night search for an open restaurant in the Foggy Bottom area. It was pretty much all we could find, but exactly what we wanted. Skip the onion rings, they’re not good. The sweet potato fries are a better option. The burger, with its fire roasted green chilies, was darn hot and cleared the sinuses in a hurry.

* I’ve really taken to Old Town, Alexandria. To me it’s a less congested and less snooty version of Georgetown. Some of the restaurants seem overpriced (shrimp scampi should never be $25), but my parents and I really liked La Madeleine cafe. What can I say, I’m a sucker for rustic charm. Pizza at Pizzeria Paradiso wasn’t bad, either.

* Didn’t care for the book “A Year in Provence.” The food sections are the most interesting. On the other hand, really enjoyed “Animal, Vegetable, Miracle.” It’s like a companion piece to Michael Pollan’s books, with more of a personal touch. Barbara Kingsolver is an excellent writer, and she deftly combines humor and storytelling with important information and hard facts about the food we eat.

* After three hours of walking around the city today on a chilly afternoon, nothing, and I mean nothing, could have tasted better than the hot chocolate from Dolcezza. I only wish it was bigger because I downed it in a few big gulps.

* Blue on Highland in Needham, MA: try the lobster and asparagus risotto. And if you order the bread pudding for dessert, split it. It’s enormous.

* California Tortilla in Cleveland Park. The burritos are ok, basically on par with Chipotle, but the tortillas themselves are awful. Mealy and mushy. Like something I’d buy in the supermarket. Can’t they do better tortillas than that?

* Had a nice dinner at Lebanese Taverna. We did the sampler, where you get a little of everything, each in its own cute tray compartment. Hummus, baba ganoush, stuffed grape leaves, kibbe, kafta, etc. Love all that stuff.

* I wish Open City in Woodley Park was a public company so I could buy stock in it. I often go running on weekend mornings and as I come up the big hill toward Calvert St., there are two constants: 1) I’ll be sucking wind, and 2) the line for brunch at Open City is out the door. No matter what the weather, people are sitting out there waiting to get in. What a gold mine.

* I’ve been telling myself for months that I was going to treat myself to a ham croque-monsieur at PAUL Bakery once the weather turned cold. Had one last week and it did not disappoint. Comes with a side salad too which is a nice touch.

Finished it off by splitting this pain au chocolat, which just about left me needing a nap for the rest of the afternoon.

* About to start watching the movie “The Trip.” Here’s the synopsis: Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon, the stars of the 2005 comedy Tristram Shandy, reunite with director Michael Winterbottom for this mockumentary about a pair of actors — handily named Steve and Rob — who embark on a foodie road trip across England.

Sounds intriguing, doesn’t it?

- Is DC becoming Manhattan-South? First Shake Shack and Serendipity arrived — now NY’s Bobby Flay is set to enter the fray with Bobby’s Burger Palace. What are your thoughts on Flay? Will you make a pilgrimage to try his burgers?

- Glass containers are a safer microwave option than plastic Tupperware, but boy are they heavy, especially when you’re schlepping one in your bag on the Metro. A better option — use the Tupperware to transport, then dump the food into the glass container before heating it up.

- Trader Joe’s organic gala apples are quite good, but I do notice they tend to turn mushy within a few days.  Is mushiness a byproduct of a pesticide-free apple?

- Was up in Boston visiting the family a few weeks ago; when in Boston, seafood is a must. We stopped for lunch at The Barking Crab, where I had a fine clam chowder and was thrilled to wolf down a whole-bellied clam roll. Huge, huge difference in taste between whole-bellied clams and clam strips.

Also took a picture of my mom’s fish and chips. The pic doesn’t convey the size of the enormous pieces of fish. Enough for two people.

- The juxtaposition of blood and ketchup a few episodes ago on “Breaking Bad” was wickedly clever, and now whenever I see ketchup, I’m reminded of the show. Let’s hope I don’t see a box cutter any time soon.

- Can the media please get off Michelle Obama’s case every time she indulges in a burger and fries? Sheesh. A healthy, active lifestyle doesn’t condemn a person to a lifetime of solely alfalfa sprouts — it’s about moderation, balance and occasional indulgences. The people criticizing her are probably the non-moderation types who swing from extreme diet to extreme diet, only to fall off the wagon and land face first in a gallon of ice cream.

- Almond jello is one of my staple foods of summer.  On a visit last year, my mother dropped off an absurd amount of almond extract and gelatin, as though we were entering a post-apocalyptic world and I was going to require almond jello to survive. All winter and spring the gelatin boxes and vials of extract have been taking up cabinet space. Until this summer… and the arrival of the DC heat.  Now I have a constant almond jello rotation going; when one batch gets near the end, I start up another so there’s never any down time. Thank god for that stash of supplies.

- I’ve read that pimientos de Padron might be sold at the Dupont Circle farmers’ market. Any confirmation on that?

- Never thought I’d find myself using a Foreman Grill at work; turns out a co-worker keeps a small one in the office kitchen cabinet, which he’s happy to let anyone use. I feel like a new world of possibilities has opened up. Paninis for lunch!  Fired up my first work panini the other day: smoked turkey, homemade pesto, spinach, tomato and fontina on olive bread from the farmers’ market. Set me up for a strong rest of the afternoon. A good lunch will do that.

- Speaking of work, a recent Boston.com feature listed the most annoying co-worker etiquette offenses. On the list, stinking up the microwave.  Now I’m self-conscious about heating up leftover salmon. I don’t want to be “that guy.” My co-workers say they don’t notice any smell at all, but I wonder if they’re just being polite.

- I’m wary of any restaurant that names itself after a specific geographic region, as though the name lends it credibility. If you come across a restaurant in Des Moines, Iowa called “New York Pizza” or “New York Bagels,” chances are it’s going to suck. So it’s with a healthy skepticism that I sampled a slice of white clam and a slice of sausage and mushroom at Pete’s New Haven Style Apizza.

While there’s only one New Haven pizza — it’s especially difficult to replicate Frank Pepe crust without a coal oven, for example –  I have to give props to Pete’s for doing a solid job. The crust captured some of the essence of New Haven with its darkened, chewy crispiness. I’d go again.

- Finally, if you missed last week’s “No Reservations” episode at the renowned (and closing) El Bulli, do yourself a favor and catch the re-runs.  A great episode all around (featuring DC’s own Jose Andres as Bourdain’s gregarious travel companion). The passion, inventiveness and sheer otherworldly artistry of Ferran Adria’s food was simply mesmerizing.  Bourdain and Andres looked like giddy schoolchildren, and for good reason.

One of my favorite DC blogs is Unsuck DC Metro. I check it every day, mainly for the sheer entertainment value of reading people vent about our beloved Metro, also known by its alias, “Delays in Both Directions.”

Okay, that was a cheap shot. Truthfully, despite the general loathing of Metro by DC residents, I personally can’t complain too much about it. It’s gotten me where I need to go (for the most part), and my commute’s a breeze (for the most part).

Don’t get me wrong, Metro has problems galore. But then, I spent years experiencing both the T in Boston and the NYC subway; when you’ve killed time at Park Street watching rats, or found yourself trapped in an unintentional hot yoga class in the bowels of a filthy NYC station, where a creepy guy is muttering to himself and possibly sitting in a puddle of his own urine, the bar gets set lower.

However, I cannot defend Metro escalators… yikes. We can clone sheep and send space probes to Mars, but keeping a series of moving stairs from breaking down every other day is beyond the realm of possibility? It’s mind-boggling.

That got me thinking, what if restaurants functioned like Metro escalators? What would that be like? I’ll venture to say awful. Probably something like this:

* On any given day, two range burners are out. On weekends when the restaurant’s at full capacity? All four. Instead of hot soup, customers are served gazpacho.

* The restaurant shuts down when it rains because the designer had the brilliant idea to put half the kitchen outside.

* Rather than fully repair a leaky refrigerator, maintenance employees use gum to plug the hole. Surprisingly, the fridge leaks again.

* The meat slicer makes a horrific squealing/rumbling sound. Clearly unsafe to use, but what the hell, it’s only your hand.

* Sure, the oven’s been broken for days, and it’s so abandoned that tumbleweeds drift by, but at least the repair company has placed a pleasant sign on it that reads, “Working to better serve you.”

* There’s a good chance the blender will speed up or come to a halt on a whim. You just can’t know.

* The restaurant’s Twitter feed spreads the cheery news that they’re out of everything and nothing in the kitchen works.

* An inspection reveals a critically dangerous gas leak. Management decides to hold off on fixing the problem until the restaurant blows up.

* The website boasts that it has “the most chefs of any restaurant in North America.” It fails to mention that only half of them can cook.

* An announcement is made that a deep fryer will be shut down for a year for repairs.

* You got horrid food poisoning last fall, and an inspection of the kitchen proves it will undoubtedly happen again, but you go back because it’s the only restaurant in town.

* Finally, despite the lack of working equipment and properly prepared food, the restaurant keeps raising prices anyway.

It occurred to me about halfway through the new documentary Forks Over Knives that the movie was a disguised call to veganism.  The word is never uttered; instead they use the phrase “whole food, plant-based diet.” I’m imagining the filmmakers at a pitch meeting saying, “Yeah, this movie’s about veganism, but we can’t say that word because viewers will think it’s about a bunch of PETA fanatics.”

I eagerly walked into Forks Over Knives, having just finished reading In Defense of Food, a similarly themed book. While I’m far from vegan — as exhibited by blog posts on over-stuffed, pork-filled tacos — I do primarily cook vegetable-based, healthy meals at home, am dead serious about fitness and have an interest in nutrition. In short, I was a prime candidate to enjoy Forks Over Knives.

Unfortunately, it’s a so-so movie.

The central thrust of Forks Over Knives is this: The Western diet is killing people slowly but surely, creating a raft of chronic illnesses and diseases that could easily be reversed if people would stop consuming meat and dairy, and switch to a plant-based diet.

It’s a fascinating topic and no doubt there’s serious merit to the information being presented. But the movie is so darn clunky, presenting an avalanche of facts without cohesion or a clear narrative, lacking certain specifics, relying on an overuse of dull narration and awkwardly careening from topic to topic. At one point, the subject of erectile dysfunction abruptly pops up out of nowhere (no pun intended), and you just think, What? Where did that come from??

I’ll hand it to the movie though, it’s certainly convincing. We meet a series of people whose health drastically improves in a matter of weeks or months, simply from switching to a vegan diet. After a while though, the testimonials start to come off like a PSA or a bad infomercial.  We see their point A and point B, but not enough of what’s in between. What exactly were they eating? How much? How was it being prepared? Did they start exercising? These were all things I wanted to know.

As someone who’s interested in my own nutrition, I also left the theater feeling somewhat confused, with a ton of questions. For instance, according to the doctors, dairy is a huge no-no (it’s explained that the animal protein may induce the turning on of cancer cells, and that calcium may in fact cause osteoporosis).  How then would the doctors  explain the longevity of people who consume a Mediterranean diet, which includes cheese, like feta? Or the low incidence of heart disease in the French, who indulge in cheese and wine?

Oils are mentioned as another food to avoid, and in one shot, you even seen a bottle of olive oil in the picture. No olive oil? Again, what about the Mediterranean diet?

And how about fish? Can’t eat that either?  The Japanese diet, high on fish, has been shown to be one of the healthiest in the world. What gives?

I didn’t dislike Forks Over Knives, but it frustrated me. If anything, I’d recommend first seeing the documentaries Food, Inc. and Super Size Me, and reading books like Fast Food Nation and The Omnivore’s Dilemma. All of them tell a better story and are much more engaging.

Meanwhile, I’m going to keep doing what I do and eat a well-balanced diet. And yeah, I cooked with olive oil tonight. Liberally.